Violence is not the answer

This was written a couple of hours ago while I was in my room:

So I'm kinda a jerk sister. Here's why:
At a restaurant, my sister Ciara was messing with the napkins that had beer ads on them. And so I was like, "Why are you even looking at beer ads? Seriously?" in a rather snobby tone. So she went up and literally got into my face like she always does, and she knows I hate it. I snapped and physically pushed her face away, and got told off by my parents. And I totally brought it on myself.

In one of my favorite books, The Compound, the main character is kinda cold, detached, and a jerk to his siblings. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the same way.

So now I have to pretty much not touch the computer for a few hours. At least this will give me ample time to do those drawings for my friends I was gonna do.

I wonder if Ciara still wants a mini-couch like mine for her room. She does seem to have calmed down - she said thank you when I tossed her the toy she was looking for - but she isn't trying to mimic the main character of the movie we just watched, like she was before dinner. And I just think: If I had been sitting on the other side of the table, none of this would've happened.

Mom said that instead of playing on the comp., I would have to play/hang with Ciara. But she made it clear that she didn't want to be with me. Fine with me, but I'm pretty much consigned to my room alone.

Well, I don't really want to stay in my room, and I suppose I don't really have to, but it's the place with assured solitude, so...

When the song that's playing started, I had the urge to go up and change it. This happens a lot when I'm listening to my iPod on shuffle. One side of me says, "Why leave it on shuffle when there's only a few songs you actually want to hear? Don't change the song. If you didn't like the song, why'd you buy it?" The other side of me says, "My music is one of the only things in my life that I alone control." Sometimes the first side of me wins over and I listen to the song. Sometimes the second side wins and I skip a bunch of songs. Right now, the first side of me won.

I wonder if I am truly sorry about pushing my sister away. Now, if I had the chance to redo that five minutes, I wouldn't physically push her face out of mine again. It was the wrong thing to do and if I hadn't done it, I would be sitting at the computer now. But if there were no barriers, if I knew I wouldn't be punished, would I still have done it?

I don't want to know the answer.

So why do I ask the question?